Yesterday, I returned from trying on possible Mother of the Groom lehengas to read this crap headline from Washington Post: At 59, I needed a fancy gown. Should I go for sexy or mother of the bride?
So. Much. Ugh.
This is an article about a lovely woman who, when her husband won a Nobel Prize, had to find a floor length gown. In her prose, she asks this question:
Would it be a sheath to divert attention and hide my perceived flaws, or could it, possibly, serve to showcase a 60-year-old figure, still sexy and sublime?
Her phrasing makes sense to me. Most of us, when we will be in the eyes of others, do wonder what would look flattering on us and whether or not we plan to follow fashion rules. Those of us hurtling towards elderly are often wont to fret over our sags and bulges, even if we’ve made a happy peace with our older forms.
That is not what this headline says, at least not to me. It screams 1) somehow approaching 60, sexy clothes are a risk and/or 2) mother of brides (or grooms) should not be sexy. And what even is sexy here? The word doesn’t only mean erotically arousing. It also means generally attractive. This headline poses age and parents as somehow in contrast to sexy.
To which I say, as my mother so wonderfully got it wrong, READ BETWEEN MY FINGERS. (She meant, of course, to say Read between the lines!)
Age discrimination combined with sexism means that older women often feel invisible. And, for many, that’s fine–they are tired of the male gaze. But for others, being treated as though looking hot is either no longer an option or, even worse, inappropriate, well, that is extremely irritating. I wore a bikini this summer–with my family’s encouragement–and, guess what, no one cared. In a way, even in a bikini, I was invisible to most and that was just fine.
It’s also out of touch with the world we live in. At this month’s Golden Globes, Julianne Moore (63), Sheryl Lee Ralph (67), Naomi Watts (55), Angela Bassett (65), and other women over 50 looked powerful and sexy. Jennifer Lopez is 54 and she is wearing underwear on the red carpet and looking sizzling. Jean Smart at 70–I love that she is still winning awards and snarking away–is the bomb.
So, the idea that women of a certain age (gags) need to look like a dowd or dress like Aunt Bee is, well, offensive.
I was pleased to see that Rachel Zimmerman, the woman in the WaPo article, picked a a dress she felt this way about:
I was the matriarch, elegant, but still alive — hot, even — and photo-ready.
She looks great, doesn’t she? And I bet her husband thought so too!
What do you think? Is there an age after which sexy is a no go? If so, why? And, if you are a woman of a certain age, what’s your comfort level with sexy clothes?
Whenever I think of the mother of the groom, I think of Kathleen Gilles Seidel’s excellent “Keep Your Mouth Shut and Wear Beige.” It’s a wonderful WF book on a mother of the groom and all the big changes in their life the wedding brings.
Another cute about the wedding book is “Save the Date” by Morgan Matson. It’s a YA story and not as perfect as the Gilles but still good.
I’m pretty sure both books deal with MoB/G searching for the perfect dress.
This reminded me of the storm in a teacup when the late Raquel Welch’s son married in 1991 and the mother of the groom wore something that caused a lot of comment; pictures are still online. I was a churchwarden for a long time and one of the things I did was do the set up/knock down for weddings in our 11th century stone church, located in my ancient village. I saw some eye-popping outfits on brides, mothers of brides and grooms, bridesmaids and guests. You try not to judge but live in hope that people (brides especially) will at least consider the occasion, the location and try to dress to flatter themselves in a way that is not totally attention-seeking. IMO, less is often more, as the saying goes, and can be very sexy by virtue of tasteful restraint.
I like dressing up, I also like being comfortable and I know that I cannot compete with 30-year olds at nearly double that.
So I see no solution :
I am resigned there is no way to get wide approval, so I do my best to consider how I will feel good at an event and go with that. Then, at least, I pleased myself.
I get exhausted though, because there is no « right way » for formal celebrations. It seems to me that the judgments are harsher when we are older…
True. In my case, things are complicated by the fact that I can wear plant fibers but not wools (I’m allergic) or polyester or unbreathable synthetics (I sweat a lot and besides being coated with wetness all over, I overheat and get dizzy). Trying to shop for a fun, attractive, and flattering outfit is an ordeal.
This impossible balance is just one more tightrope that women are expected to master. Don’t be dowdy, but not really sexy, either. Be nice, but go after you want. Don’t be sneaky, but if you are transparent, well, then, you brought it on yourself. Be assertive, but never domineering. Be as beautiful as you can, but always act and dress appropriately. If your boss or coworker makes a pass–or worse–people will generally disbelieve and blame you. If you go back to work after the ten minutes recovery time that insurance and businesses give, make sure that your baby is your first concern. Other first concerns are keeping your husband happy in all ways and maintaining a spotless house, while competing (nicely, of course, but assertively. Just don’t offend anyone) for the promotion. Remember! Women’s appearance is what society values about you, above all, so when you’re on your deathbed, be sure to have arranged, beforehand that you hair is always combed and proper makeup has been applied, if you are too pale.
I do feel like younger generations don’t buy into this in the same way Boomers did.
It’s getting better with every generation but there is still too much emphasis on what women – and even some men – wear and/or how they look. Look at all the commentary around red carpet or awards events and what has become of the Met gala in NYC. Truly obscene amounts of money spent on ridiculous clothing in a media frenzy for attention and social media clicks. What a waste of energy and resources. But look at the clothing/hair/makeup on kids in local high schools and the impact of these media images is undeniable.
Yes, when you are dead. It is just so awful, especially with the Silver Fox designation for men!
I will say, I don’t have a single female friend over 50 who, if she so wanted, hasn’t found a partner. It’s my sense that the media is not reflective of what the over 50 world really looks like.
I’ve always been a casual dresser, wearing clothes for comfort and utility rather than fashion. I have lived in jeans most of my life due to riding and working with horses, and they are still my choice of pants today, even in my late sixties. That said, I was always naturally slender so even as I didn’t tend to think in terms of fashions, I could find clothes that fit and looked good with little effort. All that changed in my mid-60’s when I suddenly gained almost 10 lbs in one year without changing my activity or eating levels. It’s like my body flipped a switch. 10 lbs isn’t much, but it ALL went to my belly (think “beer belly”). My legs, arms, hips, etc, didn’t change, but my body’s profile sure did. I’ve always been built like my paternal grandmother, so I should have expected it, but it’s been a major adjustment for me. My clothing size didn’t even go up, but the clothes don’t fit the same or hang well.
I’m saying all this because for me it’s about trying to accept the body I now have. I didn’t realize how much I’d enternalized the message that women need to look a certain way because I never had to think about it much. I’m not trying to look sexy in any sense of the word, and instead am trying to get comfortable with how I look now, at 68 and having had 6 babies. Now it’s almost impossible for dresses and such not to look dowdy on my now because my belly sticks out. I talked to my doctor and they say I’m healthy and within weight guidelines, and also told me that targeted exercises rarely decrease belly fat. Yay. I’m still active, working with horses and walking, and I watch what I eat, although I do not diet. I wish I didn’t feel self-conscious of my belly, and I hate that it affects my view of myself.
Finding nice, well-fitting clothes, especially dresses, is nearly impossible, and drives home the sense that fashion is still for women with certain types of bodies, even when they’re older. It’s much easier to find clothes for someone with larger hips, or a proportionally rounded shape than it is to find something decent for my shape.
See my post/rant in the best picture blog re: Oppenheimer: sluts, spinsters or long-suffering housewife. See also anything Donald Trump has ever said about any woman ever and the way his fans wave it all off as nothing actually important. We women still have a long way to go re: changing hearts and minds.
My personal rule of thumb? I wear what is comfortable and flattering to my physical person and lets me enjoy myself without having to think about my clothes again until they come off at the end of the day/event/activity. Life is too short to expend energy on “fashion”.
Aww! She looks great. I do think certain clothing “reads” differently as you get older, even if your body is the same approximate size and shape. But I don’t think there’s any hard and fast rule and I don’t think it’s about “sexiness.” It’s about whether you look good.
Now, I do think there’s a transition that comes, way, way earlier where you stop wearing clothes and shoes that are stereotypically “hot” because you realize it just attracts sleazoids and is giving you bunions to boot. Somewhere around 23 or 24 you stop trying to attract men with clothing because you realize attracting men is like gathering dust. Why go out and make an effort to lure it in if you can just sit around in a room for a while and it’ll just magically show up?
I’ve never been a “sexy” dresser, so having age as an excuse to not really worry about it is one of the very few positives of aging, as far as I’m concerned. That said, I do hate being in a time of my life where it is so hard for me to figure out what to wear when it comes to anything outside of my dress-for-comfort every-day living. I don’t want to look dowdy, but I don’t want to look like I’m trying to dress “young”. My kids are of the age where weddings are going to start coming fast and furious, and I already dread the prospect of being a mother of the bride/groom and having to find something to wear. I do wish I had the money and connections of those lovely women on the red carpet to afford personal shoppers and consultants and the clothes that they would recommend.
I hear you! Since the timing of my daugher’s wedding had to accomodate when her fiance would get his fiance visa, the uncertainties made wedding planning a hassle. They decided to have a magistrate wedding with just my husband and I as witnesses, and I admit part of me was very happy I could dress in “dressy casual” slacks instead of having to shop for something fancier.
As someone who has been mother of the groom shopping, I hear you! But I am having fun trying on these gorgeous lehengas!
A lehenga is worn by all age groups, though. I’ve seen grandmothers of the bride/groom in them – with their definitely not flat but clearly very pale belly showing 🙂 And the dresses can be so gorgeous I often forget what the person wearing them looks like while I admire the garment itself.
We will all be wearing them one night and sarees the next. Our ages are from 26 to 86! My mom wants one with no midriff and sleeves. I want a little midriff peeking and no sleeves–it will be hot! They are so lovely. When I try them on, I feel like royalty!
Rather than ‘Sexy OR Mother of the bride” the author should have striven for “Sexy AND Mother of the Bride” if that’s what she wanted. But you never want to outshine the bride, so maybe don’t go too sexy. 😉
As for me, I hope to achieve pretty, tasteful, and classy when I’m dressing up, not sexy. Some men can be creeps, and I really don’t want any comments or leering. I have a gorgeous, fit and fabulous friend who is my age, and she likes to dress to show off her figure. The guys can’t help but comment, and it’s just icky sometimes the way they look her up and down and make innuendos.
It always fascinates me how varied people’s needs/comfort zone is. I know just as many women who love being admired as I do those who think it’s icky. One person’s leer is another’s compliment, maybe?
Yes, I agree that it varies by the person. It also depends on who is complimenting and how the compliment is delivered. Most of my male friends can deliver one in a very nice way, but there are a couple who are rather juvenile and creepy about it. My husband says that when they go to sporting events, those guys ogle and make comments about the women walking by, almost like that is part of the sporting experience, and it creeps HIM out.
There was a time within living memory when many mother of the bride dresses came in a shade my mother called “menopause blue”.