Roughly ten percent of American families are living with estrangement, and in most cases, the break is initiated by the adult child. That number suggests something more than an epidemic of monstrous parents. What we have here, my friends, is a cultural shift in how we think about obligation, discomfort, and what we owe the people who raised us. It’s one I don’t like.

There are families in which distance is a reasonable choice. I do not think anyone is required to endure deliberate cruelty. I believe in autonomy. Adults do get to decide who they wish to love. But disappointment is not damage, and ordinary human failures are just that: human.

How did we get here?

Well, for starters, therapy—which can be a lifesaver—has given us an expanded vocabulary for our feelings and experiences. Words like trauma, toxicity, narcissism, and pathogenic behavior are common. Behaviors that for eons have seemed ordinary are now seen as literally intolerable. The threshold for what counts as harm is so low, and our expectations for our families so high.

I struggle with this dynamic. Mature relationships accept imperfection. A relationship that requires patience is not automatically damaging. Estrangement is rarely the only viable path and often devastates all in its wake.

Walking away from your parents or other family members, reshapes the entire family. Grandparents disappear from grandchildren’s lives. Siblings are drawn into loyalties they did not choose. Holiday gatherings fall by the wayside. Almost all involved become more alone.

Look, I do not want anyone to remain in a relationship that is truly harmful. But I also do not want us to treat cutting off a parent or a sibling as a sign of enlightenment. Family relationships are rarely graceful. They are built from history, frustration, affection, misunderstanding, effort, and love. Most of the time, the decision to stay, to forgive what can be forgiven, and to keep showing up will prove wiser and less lonely than walking away.